Heyden-Kaye Photographics

March 20 - Day 19 (Last Day)

2011-03-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day of the fast. I have to say that this fast was extremely hard for me, considering I only physically fasted for half of it due to ill health I would say that that is kind of wild. I have to be honest and say that this time round my challenge was totally and completely just keeping the physical part of the fast alive. Not sure what else to say about it.

It's important to realize the positive in all of aspects of my life though and the positive is that I did complete my fast. I see where some of the challenges were that I faced and I look forward to facing them again next year. I have a year to figure some of my stuff out and then to go forward again. So this blog will continue next year I think. Obviously this has helped me through my tests, otherwise I would have crashed.

The one thing I know I will do for sure is to try and stay away from the sweet sweet sight of white burger buns. Oh yeah, they looked good.

So what happens now? Well, it's Naw Ruz, which is the Baha'i new year, and it began at sunset today. You know, one of the things I enjoy about websites like Facebook and Twitter is catching up with friends around the world and seeing what my other Baha'i friends are doing during the fast. What food they are eating for dinner and how they are faring as they too partake in the fast. Also to be able to see them celebrating Naw Ruz before I do (if they are ahead in world time anyways). It's a pleasure to catch up that way, it makes me feel like I am really a part of an international community. So to my friends around the world, Happy Naw Ruz! Here's to another year of life and experiences. Can't wait to see what you have for dinner next year.

Here's my picture:

I liked this shot of the hockey net. The players are blurred and that's great. The weekend passed in a blur for me and this image says it all. It was a great weekend all in all in spite of the burger buns staring at me.

March 19 - Day 18

2011-03-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

I am telling you that this fast has been one of the hardest for me. Today was another day of challenging self restraint. There was more food wafting through the room that I was displaying my work and for some reason those white burger buns are my weekness. If I was ever questioned under threat of torture all they would have to do is stick those buns under my nose. After looking at them for about 2 minutes I hid them in the other room that I was displaying my work, and that was a load of my plate. I sort of felt like God was having a bit of a joke with me to be honest, he was up there looking down and enjoying the moment, and to be honest with you, I found it kind of funny too. Here I was tempted by these white buns, white bread with absolutely no nutritional value, and it would have been for nothing if I had broken my fast.

So today my reward was biting in to a scrumptious (probably not as good as I thought, but I was hungry) cheeseburger after the sun set. It felt so good to be able to overcome my basic hunger cravings. I know that there are many people who probably think this is so basic but for me the struggle has been about getting through the hours, especially this time around. It helped that I had to concentrate on shooting hockey pictures though, and time moved forward as it always does.

And with that my image is a hockey shot. Today the only type of pictures I took were hockey pictures. When you take hundreds of pictures during a tournament you end up with many similar images, even when you are shooting images that most hockey photographers aren't, you still come up some of the same stuff. But sometimes you take an image that just makes you pause. I sometimes wonder if parents will even see some of the images I (or the other photographer who shoots with me) take, because if they don't take a look the images will usually end up in a dusty hard drive. But I guess when a picture does capture a moment and it does tell some a story just right then it gets viewed. This image was like that.

March 18 - Day 17

2011-03-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today was shooting a hockey tournament and running around taking pictures. With the smell of beef and lunch wafting through the room where I had my viewing stations. Oh man. Today was one heck of a test. In a cold arena with only artificial light it can be very disorienting.

I called my wife in desperation today, discussing my thoughts and cravings and hunger. I really felt like I couldn't handle it, and I was on the verge of breaking the fast. Several things came in to place that helped me. I talked to my wife (she's an amazing listener). I left the room and I went outside in to the glorious and beautiful day that today was. Sunny, warm, blue sky. It was breathtaking and wonderful and it seriously made me feel better. I basked in that beautiful sunlight for 5 minutes two times and my day was complete.

It was hunger, plain and simple, and when the sun set I was able to bite down in to those juicy beef on a bun sandwiches with such joy. They were sooooooo good and it was such a reward to eat after fasting the full day. That's all I have for today. I am grateful for not braking the fast and fulfilling what I had to do. That's that.

Here's my picture:

Sun, sun, beautiful sun. Love it.

March 16 to 17 - Day 15 to 16

2011-03-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Cravings. Every year I do the fast I get these cravings for something I see. The one fast I remember the most was about 10 years ago, I was working for a civil engineering company in Boston. It was a small company owned by another Baha'i. Hooshmand was from Iran originally and he was one of the smartest, hardest working people that I have ever had the pleasure to work with. This man was great, he did not pull the punches when discussing things, even when it was hard to hear, the advice he gave was with best intent. A good man who had more patience for me than I deserved.

I was not the most model employee that's for sure. Not long after I started working for him I also met my now wife. She was living in Edmonton and I in Boston. A two hour difference and trying to build a relationship together was not easy. Lots and lots of calling cards and hours and hours of discussion, till at least 5 or 6 in the morning on a weeknight. I used to prop up a pillow on the bed and sleep for a couple hours before going to work. Man oh man those were tough days, but all for the good. Hooshi had a lot of patience with me and I appreciate everything he did for me. He is a good man.

I digress from my cravings, one of the days I was working with him and fasting we were surveying right around a Wendy's burger joint. The smells coming from that store were just the best. My stomach growled throughout the whole day I surveyed there. So that night as soon as the sun set, I went back to that Wendy's (at least a half hour from my house) and sat down and had the best darn big bacon classic combo ever! Haven't had better since.

So here are my images from the past two days:

It's a bit cheesy but I am loving taking pictures with my iPhone and the cool little apps that funkify the original shot. This is shot with the Hipstamatic app.

Tanjia made an awesome chicken curry tonight and the smells were wafting throughout the house. I couldn't quite eat eat it, but I sure could take a picture of it. And it was better than it smelled. Oh yeah.

March 15 - Day 14

2011-03-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

I tell you at the 4 or 5 pm mark I start to get a little sleepy. Mostly because I have not been able to go to bed as early as I would like, but some of it for sure is because of the fast. Well, I've had my short 30 minute catnap and it makes a world of difference. I recommend it if you have the chance.

Today I went with some friends to watch the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra play Frank Zappa and it was fantastic. I have never really taken the time to listen to Zappa so it was an education for me. I will say that what was coming out of Zappa's mind is quite unbelievable, the man was definitely a genius, and probably a bit crazy. But sometimes good stuff comes from crazy. The most interesting part was sneaking in some of my dinner during the show. It started at 7:30 pm and the sun set at 7:38 pm. How do you like them apples? So I had myself a little granola bar type thing and sneaked in some water and was able to break my fast while listening to the ESO play some seriously amazing music and funk and classical all in one, what a way to do it. Live music, really really good live music is so wonderful and it is a way to see a musician really show you their skills. It was great.

At the intermission I was able to tide myself over with carrot cake (for some reason they don't serve sandwiches at these venues) and water. Sooooooooooo wonderful to have that drink of water. Not much else for you for right now, there are some things in the back of my head that I am thinking about, but nothing solid and formulated.

Until then, here's my picture:

I have always loved looking at the posters of shows and plays that are happening. This wall was no less interesting and the art on each poster was calling out to the passersby, quietly yelling at them to come to their show. There are some seriously talented people out there. Cool stuff.

March 11 to 14 - Days 10 to 13

2011-03-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

Deadlines, delays...if I was an editor I think I would consider getting a new reporter. Problem is in this case I am both editor and reporter/story teller/documenter of my days. So it has been a few days, but today was very exciting for me. It was the first day I could start fasting after being sick for so long. I was excited until this morning, I got a bit worried, how was I going to hold up? That, my friends was very interesting to consider, I have been sick and off my antibiotics finally and I jumped right in to fasting and that made me nervous.

But it's totally possible that I was scaring myself in to maybe not having to fast. Ha! Ain't happening. I was vocal with everyone today and let them know what was going on and my excitement and nervousness with fasting. It always seems to open up some interesting discussions about religion when I let people know what is going on. It's funny because the first thing people seem to tell me is that I am crazy, but when we get in to it and really talk about how hard the fast can be and yet how rewarding, people generally open up to the idea. At least they open up in a supportive way for me. Here I was a few years ago afraid to tell people what was happening, and here I am vocal and open about my fast and people look to help me complete the fast.

It's interesting and kind of heart warming to realize people have that care for one another. For me it shows one of the many sides of human compassion.

So that's that. The fast went pretty well today, and making myself not have some water or coffee or other treats was one of the challenges I faced. Part of it was habit and the other part was the physical desire to eat and drink. I kept it together, but when the sun set, having some juice and biting in to a sweet baby spinach salad seriously was a great moment. I'm drooling just thinking about it. I might have to buy some mouthwash though.

Here's my pictures for the last four days:

Messing around with my Hipstamatic app on my iPhone came up with this great shot of my youngest.

My youngest took this one and I personally thought it was such a cool look that it trumped my images for the day.

You are probably seeing a pattern here. I take a lot of pictures of my kids, they are my personal project and I have documented their lives from day one and will continue. My kids rock!

My wife took this one and basically it rocks and also trumps my images of the day. It's awesome.

Check out the full blog here.

March 10 - Day 9

2011-03-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling very much at a loss this year, my focus has not been clear. I am struggling with how to regain it without having to say prayers or do the necessary work. It has been hard to get in to the "groove" so-to-speak without physically fasting. Don't get me wrong, I am not making excuses, it has just been an interesting experience starting out the fast sick. I have been saying prayers, but it has been the basics. Well, heck that's going to stop right now.

I do find that I still have a little trepidation when I say the word "prayer". Almost like it's a social taboo.

Here's one for you: last year I did this blog in order to keep me in check and honest about the fast. Well, it appears to be a way to remind myself to say my prayers. The Baha'i Faith also has a unique place as there are prayers authored by the founder. Kind of cool I think, there is something different to these prayers, for me certainly because I could never write something like that. If I were to say a prayer in my own words it would probably go something like this:

"Dear God, thanks so much for the day. The sun was out and that's pretty cool and I love my kids and my wife. Thank you so much, and thank you for letting me provide for my family too, and for being able to express myself in pictures."

That is really how it would go. Here's a prayer from Baha'u'llah on unity:

Omy God! O my God! Unite the hearts of Thy servants, and reveal to them Thy great purpose. May they follow Thy commandments and abide in Thy law. Help them, O God, in their endeavor, and grant them strength to serve Thee. O God! Leave them not to themselves, but guide their steps by the light of Thy knowledge, and cheer their hearts by Thy love. Verily, Thou art their Helper and their Lord.

Bahá’u’lláh

Now we're talking!!!!! I make no judgments, prayer is an individual thing and people have their own way of doing it, and a prayer can really be something as simple as, "I hope that I have a better day today." But for me...well, I mean really, you can see the difference!

So, more prayers, because I feel the need for it. Right on.

Here's my picture:

Snow and fun and more fun...then hot chocolate for the kids.

Enjoy my fast blog here.

March 7 to 9 - Days 6 to 8

2011-03-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

Three days without posting due to some hectic scheduling and getting myself better. What did we miss? Not much to be honest. I am sooooooo much better that I am ready to start fasting. My wife has informed me though that when I am done with my antibiotics I will be able to start up again. She has my best interests at heart and I can't argue with her, plus I usually lose those arguments.

It has been eating at me too because the fast is a time that you don't make up. It's not like I can fast one day and then stop and do catch up the week after. When it's done, it's done. Funny, but I think it's crazy that I am bummed that I'm not fasting.

Here's one thing for sure from the last fast that moved me forward a few steps to understanding: I am starting to enjoy the fast. Nice one.

So I have three pictures since I missed my posts. I have kept up taking pictures each day and these are they:

What a glorious day of sun light and shadows. I love how the landscape looks.

This was at work and the way the sun was coming down was beautiful. I really think it makes for some dramatic lighting. Thanks to the girls at work for modeling for me.

My favorite for sure. My kids. They seriously lift me up and they have the greatest sense of humor. Good kids.

Check out the full blog here.

March 6th - Day 5

2011-03-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

Tired, sick, working, driving, sleeping, resting.

How does one get through all of this and keep the spirit of fasting alive? You fight the battles you can and deal with the rest later. And, you listen to music. Music, heavenly music. Music is such a major part of my life, I seriously believe music uplifts one's spirit and can be an integral part of what inspires you. Don't believe me? Try listening to music that you dig, I mean really really dig and incorporate it in to some task or job that you are doing. There is no better drug for the inspiration you need, including if you are a musician.

Try it one time, and you will be hooked.

Half asleep is how I felt today.

March 5th - Day 4

2011-03-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

The very reason for the Fast is to become selfless I feel.

Detachment.

But when I'm sick, it's all about me. I turn in to myself and work on getting better. So I find myself feeling guilty, for what, I don't know. The Baha'i' writings state very clearly that if you are sick then you are not obligated to fast. The fast is not a punishment. It never was.

So why the guilt? Now that I think about it I have a tendency in all aspects of my life to look at what I haven't done or what I could have done better. It's true! You should ask my wife all the times I questioned what I had done. If she had a nickel for every time I asked her.... You realize that it's not my religion that is putting this on me, it's me.

Holy crackers. The very act of detaching oneself from food is truly a reminder of the spiritual. I don't care who you are, or what is happening in your life, but if you have personal growth or realization, you have some type of spiritual uplift. Maybe it's termed in other ways, but the outcome is the same. By detaching, I also detach from thoughts of self, and more to other aspects. If I could always do this maybe I would not be so doubtful, which, if I'm honest is really another thought of self.

Wonder if that makes sense or if I'm completely out to lunch because of this cold. Meh. I'm digging it right now. I plan on re-reading this tomorrow to confirm. Also, I think I'm missing a major part of this fast because I have been sick, and that is: prayer. It's time to really say some prayers.

Here's my picture:

Yeah. That's me. Or the shadow of me. Kinda blurry, not very detailed. Sort of how I felt today. I liked the sunlight coming in the room though.

March 4th - Day 3

2011-03-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

Trying to put it all in to perspective.

The Fast is a time, for me personally, to reflect on the previous year. You know, that statement by me, is in itself, strange. Only two years ago I was looking for "legitimate" ways to avoid fasting. I guess I should say that it is starting to become a way for me to look at the previous year or on things that I may not normally take the time to consider.

Sometimes detaching yourself from one thing makes other things more clear, your energy is focused less on "what's for lunch?" and more on other aspects. Last year for me it was my family and also my personal strengths and challenges. Today, even though I did not physically fast (still sick as a dog), I found myself trying to put things in to perspective. For me nothing was more clear than the fact of the situation of the Baha'is in Iran. The Baha'is have been persecuted for some time there but the situation has escalated in the last few years. From detaining Baha'is without due course, to denying them higher education, the situation is troublesome.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Baha'is of Iran and I hope that they are able to reap the benefits of the fast. I know that one little person in Ponoka, Alberta might not make a whole heck of a lot of difference, but with more people knowing and the way Twitter and Facebook work there will be greater awareness of what is happening.

Here's my picture:

My perspective of things today were from the couch. The blur of my glass of water and kleenex in the foreground make great little distractions to this image of my older daughter taking a moment to look outside and place her hand on the window. Glad I had my camera close at hand.

March 3rd - Day 2

2011-03-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

Today was a rough day. Between thinking that I could work and driving and everything else I did not feel good. I really should have stayed in bed. Really. Well, that's not what happened and I had to face the music and my decisions. It's funny because the fast is on my mind a lot and even though I am not physically fasting I am trying to be aware of what I am saying and doing. It's kind of cool too, my coworkers know that it is the time of the Fast and when I got myself a tea, someone's first question was, "Aren't you fasting?" To which I would respond that being sick I was not obligated to. These are good questions to hear though, it keeps me honest. So many times in the past I would not tell people what I was doing and then if I did break the fast I wouldn't feel like I was lying. Even though I was. You realize that there is no clergy in the Baha'i Faith? (check about 17 or 18 paragraphs down after the link) There is no confession, so really the only person I was lying to was myself. I'm not saying that I'm "Mr. Spiritual" or anything, I'm just saying it's helped keep me honest.

So my spirits low and my body feeling quite miserable I tried to find something positive out of my day. The real benefit I think to being this sick is that when I sing I sound like the lead singer of The National. That dude has one heck of a bass tone and can sing so well. Plus their music is on the melancholy side of things and it fit my mood perfectly. So I sang in my awesome bass voice that cracked every now and then, but since no one else was in the car with me I think I would have done them proud.

As for the fast, I am still thinking about keeping my attitude positive and to try and consider what else fasting really means. I don't have any thoughts on it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Here's my image:

This bright pink color matches my thoughts perfectly. Dark and grey with a little color in the forefront to lift my spirits up. See you tomorrow.

March 2nd - Day 1

2011-03-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

Well that was interesting.

I did not fast today. Today I fought one heck of a cold that started last night. I could feel it hit me like the tide coming in, steadily stronger and stronger as the night wore on. This morning it was full blown ouch to my throat and a nasty cough.

What to do now?

To be honest I was very frustrated last night. I had set out to do something in earnest and I felt thwarted by a cold. I discussed it with my wife Tanjia and voices my hope that maybe I would feel better in the morning. This woman is wonderful. She is practical and very conscious of our abilities as humans. She told me flat out that I would not be fasting today because it would make me sicker for longer and that would negate what I was trying to do. She made me speechless, which is hard to do.

It made me think about how we humans can take something - especially religious - and change the purpose of it. Here I was considering fasting anyways when its purpose has and will always be to move forward. It's not a punishment, but more a time of growth and strengthening oneself. Look at athletes, they train and discipline themselves to do better, it's hard work but the reward is in the result.

Again I am face to face with the realization that the physical fast is a reminder of the spiritual. What does that mean? Well, I guess we'll find out more about that in the next 18 days. Let's see what happens tomorrow, but if I'm still sick I will look in to this question further.

Here's my picture:

This is my daughter who had to deal with a sick dad today. She has a wonderful spirit and sense of humor and she made my day better. This is for her.

The Fast Begins Again

2011-03-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

The year in review...once more.

Today is a special day for Baha'is around the world. It is the day before the Baha'i Fast where one abstains from food and drink between sunrise and sunset for 19 days. I will let you check out the link for more details but it's basically a time of physical restraint for a spiritual purpose.

The physical part is really a reminder of the spiritual.

I know, what a funny way to look at it but I had an epiphany during last year's fast, and let me tell you it was wild. Wild in the sense that I had been fasting with a certain frame of mind only to realize my frame was in the wrong room.

Why am I posting this? The main reason is that every year of the fast (prior to last year) I would look at the time of the fast with trepidation and general worry, not eating and drinking (water) is hard. I also wondered why so many Baha'i's I knew seemed to be excited about this time. What were they doing that I was doing differently for them to be so happy? We're talking happy to not have food. Crazy!!!!!!!! So I do this to keep myself honest, and I use my photography to help inspire me. I take a picture every day during the fast and tell about the day. Don't worry, it's a short description.

You might even ask why I would make myself suffer, why not just say to heck with it and go the easy route. That's always an option, but I don't actually believe that the fast is bad for you, there are certain exemptions to Baha'is (which you can find in the link) who are not required to fast. I do however believe that it is a time of self restraint, to put the year in to perspective and to renew oneself.

So to begin I am posting my first image and this introduction. Here's to the next nineteen days:

This is a highway signpost I have seen on the highway at night. I love the light on the snow and outline of light on the sign. It's cool.

Approaching

2011-02-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

The Fast approaches...(last year's recap)

Feast of Light (Nur) - June 5th, 2010

2010-06-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

Inspiration.

Well, that is something that I have needed in the last few weeks. It is tough to find inspiration when the very thing that makes you happy is lacking in....something. I realized this month that I love photography a whole heck of a lot. It was when I was reviewing some images from a shoot that I had recently done and very very few turned out as I expected. Images were either out of focus (there is a strong possibility that I am sooting too fast or that the lens itself needs some maintenance, I will be checking both out) or just not in the quality range that I was expecting. I was sunk immediately in to a depression over my work. Oh sure I was able to go to my job and function in that way but I seriously questioned my ability as a photographer and what my plans should be for the next few years. Please don't confuse me as a quitter, this is coming in over the last year or so of various issues that I have had to face in my life, and when the images suffer, it is a serious problem.

This all until a friend posted this amazing video of a free diver. It is in my opinion one of the most fantastically and excellently put together videos. Just check it out below and enjoy.

The use of the natural light to capture the feeling they desire is absolutely genius. It also evokes basic human fear with regard to the unknown, even the video itself breaks against the mold of what and how people are shooting. My opinion, that's all. No wonder it has over 2.7 million views since the end of May. It is so very inspiring that it makes me want to make exemplary imagery. Exemplary how? To be different and to inspire. It is not often that an image or piece of art inspires me in such a way but this video touched something in my core and it is a great feeling.

With that small little window of how I am feeling right now here is my image:

I just love how there are shafts of light in the ceiling and I never really thought how cool it would be to shoot that. Enjoy.

Feast of Grandeur (Azamat) - May 16th, 2010

2010-05-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com's definition of Grandeur is the quality or state of being impressive/awesome or lofty or elevated in concept.

I am finding that with the names of the 19 Baha'i months that each name means something different to each individual. And it is no different this month.

At first I struggled to come up with a picture that I thought might suit the name of Grandeur. You should know that I am not a very subtle person. Tell me a dry joke and wait till the next day for me to laugh. That's just how I am, what you see is what you get, and my pictures are very similar to that. So I tend to shoot what I think, and in this case I was going for very obvious stuff, i.e. clouds and sky and trees and general wondrous-nous. I was rebelling against that though but could not really come up with something else...until I realized I had the exact image I was looking for.

Nothing has touched me more than my daughter's courage or quick recuperation from her eye surgery (see my last post). Her fortitude has been an inspiration for me. For reals. She was up and running the same day of her surgery and we were told that it might be a day or two before she opens her eyes. Let me tell you. She is awesome, impressive, elevated in her resilience to heal and move forward from her tests. This is the sign of a strong and wonderful person in my eyes and she takes the cake when it comes to the word grandeur.

Here's my picture:

That's my girl...no clouds or sky or trees. This is Grandeur in my eyes.

Eye Surgery

2010-05-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

First! The back story.

Yesterday the NYTimes Lens Blog had an ambitious project to get photographers around the world to shoot one moment in time. 15:00 UMT (GMT). I was so inspired by this idea of a global response that I had to contribute. Apparently it was so successful that it shut down their servers. Nice!

At that exact time (15:00 UMT) I was thinking about one thing: my daughter's corrective eye surgery for Monday morning. Here's the image I shot and submitted (I don't know yet if they added me to their pictures that they will post):

The surgery itself is relatively short and simple, compared to most surgeries I guess. Basically it was microscopic surgery fix with one of the eyes that seemed to be turning inwards because of a week muscle. They take both eyes and make really really precise adjustments. There were a million worst case scenarios that went through my mind so for the weeks prior to her surgery I was saying some hardcore prayers.

I don't care who you are, agnostic, atheist, Christian, Muslim, Baha'i, you pray. It could be any form of prayer, "I hope the day goes well", is as far as I am concerned a prayer, whether it is to God, Nature, the universe, (use your own label).

So the whole family got up at 4 in the morning to be at the Edmonton Stollery Children's Hospital for a 7 AM appointment seeing as we are an hour and half drive away. My focus was on my daughter today, and I used my camera to help me deal with my stress and worry. I do realize that in the grand scheme of life this is a relatively minor occurrence, but for a loving father to watch his daughter go through this it means the world. I will try not to write too much in detail but let you see most of the pictures to tell the story.

Before surgery, checked in and waiting. Waving her hospital wrist band.

We brought the stuffed animals for comfort.

Next we have to weigh in and change into what looked like prison clothes that you would see in the old movies.

The iPod touch really paid for itself today.

Before getting anesthetized she was given this cream to help make her hands numb for the needle, she thought that was pretty cool.

My wife Tanjia went in with her while she was anesthetized until she fell asleep. After that we were not allowed to be in the operating room, I felt like offering to help in my own limited way as I was feeling so powerless and worried. Even as I type this it makes me misty eyed (as a responsible mature and powerful male figure I still refuse to show signs of tears and weakness, don't ask me why, I'm still trying to figure that one out) at what I could not do to help her. So all I could do was wait.

My wife was therewhen she woke up though and I am told that she pretty much freaked out when she woke up, especially with having an IV in her hand. After they took it out and calmed her down with some codeine (she had a much needed nap after that) she was awake with her stuffed animal. The red light is from whatever you call that thing that checks your oxygen and pulse in your finger.

So she was great! In fact in better condition than expected, albeit a little drowsy. You can only imagine my elation and relief.

On the way home, with about 8 shots of espresso in me just to keep me awake, my wife took a picture of my daughter with her new stuffed animal, and as we were taking our exit in to town I noticed the most beautiful cloud formation. All around us were gray storm clouds brewing a huge hail storm (which came later in the evening) except for this one patch of clouds and light. It was beautiful and from my perspective it couldn't have been a better ending to what was an otherwise crazy day.

That's my story for today.

Pictures and Philosophy

2010-05-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

Every person I know who has an interest in philosophy or religion or whatever you want to label it as each has their own reason for their interest and their own life experience to take them to that point. For myself I have always been interested in the history of the Baha'i Faith and how it could have reached an international level in a 147 years, and a following of more than 6 million people.

But, I have always had a very hard time settling down to sit and read the Baha'i writings or anything on a spiritual level really. It takes me a lot longer to register the information and only through repetitive application (as I saw from this last year's fast) does it seem to sink in. Yesterday though I received a copy of a press book by the nineteen days blog that I had mentioned a month or so ago. It is last year's photo submissions accompanied with Baha'i text about the fast and it was a fantastic read for me. The images are beautiful and the text very appropriate to the images. It was wonderful and inspiring. Reading the writings this way was a completely different experience for me and I saw the text in a new light. Something I will try to keep in mind when studying more of the Baha'i writings.

On another note, since starting my effort to say the long obligatory prayer every day I have found myself thinking how cool things are for me now. I think to myself that I am doing my part and obeying some of the basic teachings of the Baha'i Faith and in so doing I have protected myself from this material world and the tests I am faced with.

That's all well and good but if I don't pay my bills then I will owe money. Just because I pray and do my spiritual duties doesn't mean that life stands still for me. I don't know where that idea came from and it is a bit of a funny way of thinking to say the least. There is a saying I once heard, "Trust in God, but tie your camel." Makes complete sense when you think about it. The everyday responsibilities we are faced with must still be attended to and it is a lesson that I am learning each day. It seems I learning that there is a balance between the spiritual and the material wouldn't you agree?

Anyways, I love the book from the nineteen days blog and can't wait to see what they come up with next year.

I just love the energy in this image. I am again living vicariously through my kids and this jumping image makes me feel very much like what's happening in my life right now.

That's all for now.

Feast of Beauty (Jamal) - April 28th, 2010

2010-04-28T21:35:00.000-07:00

My last post gave me an opportunity to realize that I needed to focus my energies on taking the time to say the Long Obligatory prayer and I have done just that. Except for two days ago where I had very little sleep, I instead chose to say the short prayer, this is because I recognized my inability to be able to be coherent during prayer.

I will not lie and say that it has been some sort of glorious experience and that it has become easy for me to do. It has been tough to take that time and patience to say that prayer, to not look at how many pages are left. I realize that to strengthen my resolve and self discipline it is an uphill battle which I think is unlikely to end, unlike the sitcoms and movies I so enjoy watching. Maybe that's part of the problem. I am focusing a lot of emotional time in entertainment where an end is a part of the experience. Well, that's something to keep in consideration as I move ahead.

The benefit though of saying this prayer I have found has been a certain change in my focus. What is that change in focus you may ask? Well, I don't really know what to say about that. Almost like a switch has been turned on in my head or that a veil has been lifted ever so slightly. I am starting to realize that the mere act of prayer for even a small period of time has changed what I think about and pray about. I leave that thought there for now as I am only 14 days in to saying the long obligatory prayer and I am not really sure where it is all going.

So, with that in mind that, I think I will keep up with my Long Obligatory prayer and updating as things happen. Incidentally there is another amazing website that I have come across from a photographer friend of mine (who is also a contributor). It is called Nineteen Months and it features 19 photographers who submit an image and thoughts each Baha'i month. I tell you now that it is absolutely breathtaking the quality of images coming from these talented photographers. Beautiful! It's worth checking out just for the images.

Here's my image:

This is a peep hole at work looking out on the back street. For some reason I have just loved being able to look at the world in this way. It was raining like crazy today and the reflection from the light post really struck me for some reason. I just love it.
That's it for now.

April 16th, 2010 - 7 Days into the Baha'i' Month - Glory

2010-04-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

So seven days in and I am wondering what my focus on the word Glory is going to do to help better myself and keep my self discipline up. I realized two things in the last couple of days.

The Merriam-Webster definition of Glory is: great beauty or splendor, or praise honor distinction.
I am terrible at this type of meditation/research that makes you think. I am not a thinker.

This left me feeling somewhat perplexed as to my next course of action. What the heck was I to do? The answer came to me at 11:50 PM on April 14th when I realized that I had not said my obligatory prayer yet (see last post).

There are three choices of prayer a Baha'i can say as their obligatory prayer: A short prayer that can be said from noon till sunset. A medium prayer that is said three times in a day, at sunrise, noon and sunset. And what is called the long obligatory prayer which can be said once in 24 hours. The long obligatory prayer is 1565 words long! If you know anything about my desire to do things with as little effort as possible you will know that I seriously considered just calling it a day and being done with it. But I had not forgotten about the obligatory prayer as I sometimes do and my heart felt so wrong not saying the prayer. So I went ahead and took the 7-10 minutes that it takes to say it. As I was praying I realized that I can use the days in the Baha'i months to apply one of the things that I am having trouble with.

The obligatory prayer has been a major issue for me; I have always found a way to "forget" to say it, or to be too tired. So for the rest of this month I am making sure to say only the long obligatory prayer, it is the one prayer I avoid at all costs usually and just like the Fast I have a hard time with it.

Sometimes I feel a lot like George Costanza from the Seinfeld show. Going to extreme lengths, even working harder than the job at hand to avoid his normal work. Might as well try and do the opposite of my original plan of action. Worked for George right?

I am doing this to try and build a positive habit and to be able to strengthen my self discipline, not as a form of penance or punishment, in case anyone was wondering.

So here's my picture:

It's a picture of a terminal at LAX on my return trip from New Zealand. It is maybe a little cliche but I like the light and the people throughout the image. Just a cool shot I think.
That's it for now.

Ending of the Fast

2010-04-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

The Baha'i Fast ended on the 20th of March, nineteen days ago. What has happened since the 20th? It's funny, the point of doing this blog during those days was to be able to try to get myself through the fasting period without finding an excuse to break it. I ended up with the realization of the spiritual purpose of this time, at least within my limited understanding. It was a wonderful moment for me to come to a better grasp of the purpose of the Baha'i Fast, and it was a very uplifting few days.

Now I am at a crossroads in my life with regards to bettering myself as a human being. I can either go through the year passing each day and month waiting for the fast to begin to try and grow or I can take the time and initiative try and do better. I find it ironic actually that I am posting on this day as it is actually the next Baha'i month in the Baha'i year - there are nineteen Baha'i months in a year each with nineteen days in the month - which is called Jalál or Glory in English. Another friend recommended doing this blog every 19 days as the Baha'i months passed to continue trying to grow and to post a photo with it, and here I am on this 1st day of the month of Jalál posting. Without realization of the date. Which is another good reason to continue this blog.

I have asked myself what has changed since the fast and how have I used my experiences to continue my self discipline. I guess not as much as I would have hoped for. Granted I have started saying my obligatory prayer every day now but I am already starting to forget on some days to say it.

I would like to let you know that I am not confessing my actions to anyone, there is no confession in the Baha'i Faith, but I am trying to be honest with myself and to work through these challenges that I am facing. The goal for me is to keep that mental/spiritual (label it what you want) discipline up and to move forward.

So there it is. My focus for this year is going to be on the names of the Baha'i months. That's that.

Here's my picture:

I was taking pictures of my kids at the play ground a few weeks back and the sky and weather were just beautiful. I love the silhouette of the bars against the cloudy blue sky. I just love it.

That's all for today.

NYTimes has an ambitious idea.

2010-04-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

NYTimes Lens Blog has an ambitious and very interesting idea about having people take pictures at 15:00 U.T.C. which I guess is formally G.M.T. It's pretty cool and there are some topics to think about when you take the picture:

Religion
Play
Nature and the Environment
Family
Work
Arts and Entertainment
Money and the Economy
Community
Social Issues

A very cool idea that really does show us how we are a global community. I like it....keep your camera or camera phone at the ready.

NYTimes Showcase

2010-04-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Interesting video posted by the New York Times about a photojournalist cancer survivor who used photography to express himself during his recovery. He is asking some very interesting questions in this video and in his work about the physical world and "something else." Worth checking out.

Ponoka Kinette Splash Park

2010-03-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

I feel it's important with any business big or small to be able to give back to the community. My father-in-law said once that with any business you will be asked to contribute to certain events. He also stressed the importance of sincerity and donating to something you feel strongly about. So, I will be giving my services to the Ponoka Kinette Splash Park 80's night fund raiser dinner.

A professional photographer with a backdrop and lights to make your 80's outfit shine!

I will be emailing images out to people who get their portraits done. It's going to be a lot of fun and it's exciting for me to be able to contribute in some way to this splash park. I know my two girls are going to love it and the growing Ponoka community is going to take every advantage of this park in the summer. Thanks and hope to see you there on the 10th of April. That's it for now.

Amazing Images from the NYTimes Lens Blog

2010-03-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Today's images and this whole week so far from the NYTimes multimedia blog LENS are simply amazing. The caliber of photography is on a completely new level. Amazing. Check it out.

March 20th - Day 19

2010-03-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

The last day of the fast. We celebrated the end of the fast with some close friends at dinner and talked about many things including some interesting aspects of the learning that happened during this fast. It was a pleasant time and I really felt like this was a successful experience in the fact that I learned something. I also did not dread the days during this year's fast as I normally do. Probably next year I will again and I will continue on with this blog during that time to help me.

I want to thank everyone for their feedback and thoughts too during these 19 days, that has helped me learn much more than I thought I would, which I feel makes it that much more successful. I thought you might find it interesting to see the different parts of the globe that people accessed the blog, (this does not include people on Facebook accessing right in the FB site).

I never expected to get sick and I never expected to learn as much about myself as I thought. And I never thought I would try to see this through till the end. Expressing myself through my photography was pretty darn cool too. I love it and I will continue to take pictures as much as possible.

I think I will end with that. Happy Naw Ruz to everybody and have a good year coming up. I have one last picture to post for the fast:

The sun had finally set and there was just a little light left today and it seemed appropriate to end in this way. It has been good to share my thoughts about the fast and there has been much support and curiosity from a lot of people. Thanks for looking everyone.

Here's to a new day.

March 19th - Day 18

2010-03-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

I completely thought my focus was going to be on the physical aspect of this year's fast. I never considered that it would bring me to looking directly at my spirituality and fasting spiritually (see yesterday's post). I think it's interesting that it took me getting sick and not being able to fast to come to that realization. Yup, I like to work in circles.

That being said, man oh man oh man, I had a hard time with this. Food is a much easier thing to abstain from, I am not taking food for granted either, but to hold off from something for a period of time, food is definitely easier. It was tough for me to stop myself from doing things that I normally think nothing of. I am starting to understand a small tiny part of why we do this once a year. I know as a year progresses I get caught up in the now and the chaos of life takes over, a lot. This becomes the time to centralize and slow down. I am happy that I am starting to get it, but sad that it is towards the end of the fast that it has happened. Tomorrow is the last day of the Baha'i fast for this year, Baha'is around the globe will be celebrating the Baha'i new year and moving forward in to the next. So I will make sure to go forward and complete this blog and this fast as I intended.

I can't help myself, but I am excited for tomorrow.

Here's my picture:

The girls were playing in the sunset light. It was beautiful and I had fun taking pictures of them enjoying the afternoon. We had some fun.

That's all for now.

March 18th - Day 17

2010-03-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's post left me at a crossroads. Keep going on with the blog even though I am still sick or stop. I did not want to keep posting for the sake of posting, it's important to me that I am learning something during this fast and with me not being able to physically fast I found myself wondering what else there was for me to do.

Until a good friend of mine pointed out to me the purpose of the physical fast; to remind one of spiritual recuperation, and abstaining from selfish passions. I realized then that I have never asked the question, what does it mean to fast spiritually? Looking at the above link it seems clear that turning away from our passions and selfish desires is a part of that. What does that mean? Could it be not looking at another woman in a sexual way? What about not swearing when I am frustrated? Certainly talking badly about another person behind their back could be included in that. Let's be clear here, I am not saying that I don't struggle with these issues, they are in fact constant tests that I face daily and I am just trying to be honest with myself.

People always tell me that they try to mentally prepare themselves for the fast. I could never quite understand that? How do you prepare yourself for the fast? This is when it seemed very clear to me that it's the ego/self that we are fasting from. There are four days (five during a leap year) before the fast called Ayyam-i-Ha, these are days that are meant as a preparation for the fast. It is a time of giving and sharing, to visit people who are sick or in the hospital and for kindness to others. I remember having Ayyam-i-Ha parties when I was younger and we would hit a pinata and candy would come out. I loved it! But I never considered the meaning behind the giving, visiting the sick or kindness to others. These acts are in themselves acts of selflessness, of ignoring your selfish desires and giving to others. Just think of the last time you did anything for another person, even letting someone in the line ahead of you at the grocery, it was a selfless act. It's a wonderful feeling.

Aha! And now things are starting to sink in for me. These days of giving are a way of letting go, and in such a way that there is joy in the giving, a willing sacrifice. It's a physical act of letting go of your self, and by so doing practicing in way for the days of the fast, which I have already realized is that time of abstaining from ou selfish desires. Man. I tell you now that some people probably have come to that realization a long time ago, but I have never really considered what fasting and Ayyam-i-Ha mean to me and why we have it in our lives.

So now what? Now again it seems I find myself at the beginning of my picture a day during the fast, it means that I must fast from my selfish desires, even though I cannot physically fast. After all, these are the days of fasting. Tomorrow I will pay attention to my emotions a bit more than usual and put into consideration how my emotions are affecting my actions. It's time to put in some serious prayers I think, luckily there is an abundance of confirmed/authoritative prayers by Baha'u'llah that are available to me.

Here's my picture for today:

It was snowing today and I loved the size of the flakes. I considered and tried several ways to capture them, but the shallow depth of field and focus on just the flakes hit me in a couple of cool ways. I love it. It's as introspective as I felt mentally today.

March 17th - Day 16

2010-03-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of being sick. I considered...considered fasting, but 1 hour in to work and I realized the futility of that situation. Even not fasting I was getting fairly tired and my voice started to go 15 minutes in.

One thing that I have noticed when I am not physically fasting is how easy it is for me to get caught up in my negative thoughts. The previous two weeks were about obeying the fast and diligence to complete each day, and that kept my mind on what was important. It's so funny how quickly my thoughts can turn negative, how frustrated I was that I didn't get my 15 minute break when I was supposed to. Holy crow! Is it that important?

So today I was missing that focus of abstaining from food and tried to get myself out of the funk that seemed to have settled in. I turned to my music again and it really helped.

So in the spirit of lifting yours up I give you a few groups that I have enjoyed listening to, some for their music, some for what they have to say:

Digable Planets - It's hard to find a good website of these guys because they only came out with two albums between 1993-1995. Good hip-hop from the early '90's on par with Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul. Good lyrics and great beats, it's worth getting the albums and you can find them on iTunes.

Kings of Convenience - These Norwegian guys rock the house in a Simon and Garfunkelesque way. Mellow, guitars, folksy, and you gotta listen to the song Know How accompanied by Feist.

The Black Keys - A good friend got me started with these guys. Raw rock and roll and that comes directly from the gut. With some serious Hendrix sounding guitar. Good tunes.

There's a start for you. Enjoy.

Here's my picture:

I was actually taking a picture of the sunset which is to the left of the frame, but this tree, fence and the sky just looked awesome to me. Abandoning the sunset I took a few shots and the last one I liked the best. I love it and it uplifts my spirits just that little bit I needed.

That's all for now.

March 16th - Day 15

2010-03-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

Still feeling sick and unable to physically fast today. It's interesting but at this point in the fast in prior years if I was sick, I would pretty much write off the physical part of the fast and be done with it. This year though I am finding myself hoping to be better so that I can continue with the fast. Now I'm not saying that I have become a better person and am ready to fast without concern, I am pretty sure that next year I will be doing this blog again to keep my focus on better self discipline, but I am saying that it so far has been good to be able to focus on doing better. That's all I will say on it for now as the fast is not finished and I am still trying to make sure I continue.

Eating today has helped invigorate my body and I think speed up the healing process. I even voiced that tomorrow I might continue on with the fast, when my wife, who has a bunch more common sense than me, said to wait and see how I feel in the morning and if I am still feeling under the weather to eat and drink and get better. Makes sense. So I will see how I feel tomorrow. That's that.

Notice I didn't go in to it more than that? Believe me I want to delve in to feeling guilty and making myself suffer and all that (see yesterday's post), but I am starting to realize that I am doing that to make myself feel better for some bizarre desire to be wrong. And then to be punished. Good Lord! What a way to think. I am pretty sure that is not the purpose of religion. The core belief's of all religions are the same. Love, unity, closeness to God or Nature or whatever you want to label it as. This is my new focus with the Baha'i Faith.

Here's my picture:

I like the silhouettes and sunset and I love the branches in the sky. Plus that flat roof looks awesome parallel against the sunset clouds.

That is all for today.

March 15th - Day 14

2010-03-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today was different. I came down with a cold which I could feel starting yesterday afternoon and I woke up this morning barely able to get up with a serious cough on top of that. So I did not observe the physical part of the fast because as my wife put it, "Why would you fast when you're sick?"

I don't know why I have this feeling like I should keep fasting when I'm sick and yet in prior years I couldn't help but find an excuse to not fast. Now, I'm officially sick and I think I should keep going. It must be a bit of a guilty conscience mixed in with my constant desire to suffer for something. Almost like I can't be genuinely happy, unless I'm suffering or some craziness. I did that when I first got pneumonia (which was due to another health issue) and I was driving a truck all over the province of Alberta picking up used oil. My wife was worried and said I should see a doctor. Like any self righteous dude I claimed that I was fine. I was wrong about that, glad I did go to the doctor and get checked up. It could have been a very different story.

So I got past my guilty conscience and tried to get better today, I relaxed, I watched the Office, I drank tea and coffee and just tried to make a day of it. I feel better now but not quite a hundred percent. So tomorrow morning I will evaluate how I'm feeling and plan the day ahead. It's funny this desire to make myself suffer, because it's pretty clear in the Baha'i Faith that if you are sick you are exempt from following the fast. So clearly the purpose of the fast is not to make one suffer, but more of a spiritual renewal, and the physical part is a reminder of that. That makes it clear to me that I am putting this suffering on myself.

Man, I need time to think about that one.....

With not much to look at besides the TV and the curtains I couldn't help but notice the sun shining through the window. I have always loved light coming through the curtains. There is something very cool about it.

That's all for now.

March 14th - Day 13

2010-03-14T21:47:00.000-07:00

Daylight savings time. I tell you, you have to love daylight savings time. I was able to wake up at 7 am and the sun was still not up, so it felt like I was getting up later. What I don't like to think about is the loss of one hour's sleep, which I am deprived of right now anyways. The lack of sleep is not necessarily from the fast but more from having two jobs. Then the sun sets at 7:33 PM instead of 6:30 PM, a whole hour "later" in the day. Mentally it is such a crazy transition even though the amount of time I am fasting is the same. Go figure.

This was harder today more for the change in times than anything. Daylight savings time needs to go by the way of the dodo bird.

Not feeling a hundred percent today and the two jobs are wearing me down a little, plus I haven't been able to really see my girls for any real quality time. That's just bumming me out to no end. They are a major part of my life and not seeing them for an extended amount of time makes me feel a bit more empty inside than I would like. Luckily I have a day off on Tuesday and I plan to take some time with my girls for them to have fun. Not sure what we will do if anything at all. Just being able to have fun and play is fine by me. One funny story from today though. I was missing my girls a bunch today so I put on this song on my ipod that my kids just love, it out a huge smile on my face. Seriously, listen to the whole thing. It might just make your day.

Here's my picture:

The sun had set and there was a little light left as I was leaving the hockey arena today. The aquatic center looked pretty cool to me with the low light and silhouette. I bumped up the ISO to capture enough light to make this work. I like it because it was the first thing I saw when I left and the inside of the arena was pretty much all I saw this entire weekend.

That's it for now.

March 13 - Day 12

2010-03-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish that everybody was fasting and the sight of really good looking food wouldn't be such a temptation. Then I realize that the issue is not the food and other people but actually my issue with wanting to eat. So even if everyone was fasting I would still have this desire to eat. It really does boil down to self discipline. It reminds me of when I did some youth volunteer service in Haifa, Israel. Baha'i youth are encouraged to take some to time to volunteer in places that need it and I applied to Haifa, I thought that I would become a new being, spiritual, enlightened and dedicated.

Four months in to my 18 month service I realized that I had not changed and that I had been doing nothing to advance myself. It was my choice to change myself, and to deepen myself about the Baha'i Faith not this miraculous difference that happened overnight. Three of us got together and started studying the writings of Baha'u'llah a couple of times a week and we grew organically as individuals. Those were amazing times and I always look back on them with joy. One of those friends introduced me to Tanjia who is now my wife. Good times.

Another thing I noticed about seeing food and thinking how good it smells during the day is when people smoke around me. I walked by a group of people smoking today and boy did it smell good! As a former smoker there are times that the smell of cigarettes brings back some really good memories, today was much the same. I am glad in a way though that I can't smoke though because it would probably be something I still did.

About two years ago I left a company that I was working with and ventured out on my own. It doesn't really matter that much why I left really because I have come to terms with what happened and I know I had a part in the outcome as much as the other company. Either way, I left on not very good standing and there was a lot at stake. Business loans (most of which were co-signed by my father-in-law and his wife), a mortgage, car loans and my family's stability were all things that I was worried about, so I took to smoking for stress relief. I smoked about 4-6 packs in a one month period and like any honest loving husband I kept it from my wife. You should have seen her reaction when she find out. Let's just say that I was in a heap of doodoo.

So here's my picture:

I just love pictures with very little in them. Maybe it's because of the jangle of thoughts and emotions in my mind that I find some sort of peace with a picture like this. Either way I love it.

That's it for now.

March 12th - Day 11

2010-03-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

First of all. Check this song out from a friend of mine, Tallisman. The song is called Soul Food and it is his inspiration from fasting this year. He has posted the lyrics I believe too. And the lyrics, have a listen to the lyrics, fantastic! I have listened to this song a lot in the past days to help keep me focused.

Music has always been a part of my life and there is all types of music for the many moods I have. During this fast I have been listening to Ben Harper's first three albums. He has soul, revolution and groove all mixed in to those records and I dig it. I feel the music when I listen to it, maybe it's because music is food for the soul (the link is an article on music and the Baha'i Faith) and the fast is a period of spiritual recuperation.

I have my parents to thank for that really, they are both trained musicians though sadly they have stopped playing. Divorce makes many changes in a family and an individual's life. I don't necessarily regret any of that as I think life moves on and one must try to adapt to the changes that come our way, but I would like to hear them play more. I once saw my parents play in a Beatles' tribute band in Botswana where I was born. It was one night of fantasticness! My dad did a solo during one song and literally turned beet red doing it, I thought he was going to pass for sure. Go dad! And my mom was the main flutist. Talk about cool!

My dad was a trumpeter in the Navy. My mom played flute and they both played in orchestras and bands later on. Pretty cool. I did not direct my energies to being a musician but we had an extensive collection of albums and tapes when I was younger and music was always on in the background. With my kids it's the same. Music is for the soul, or whatever you want to call it, there's no doubt in my mind about that and I want my kids be able to have that opportunity to have music be something in their lives. They can make it what they want.

So here's my picture:

Work has been very busy with the two jobs that I have and today went by in a blur. Very little sleep has a tendency to that to a person. Some days just seem that much longer and tiring. As I was driving from my Starbucks job to a hockey tournament to take pictures I saw a pretty cool shot of the bright sun behind a big grain silo so I pulled over and did a test shot to see how it would look. As I was adjusting my focus I ended up focusing on the dirty windshield and thought to myself, "Right on." I did shoot a couple pictures of the silo too but this really summed it all up for me. It doesn't get any clearer than this, or unclear depending on how you look at it.

That's it for today. I'm going to get some much needed sleep.

March 11th - Day 10

2010-03-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's almost noon and I am hungry. And there is something in the air. The nineteen days blog has some amazing pictures from the last few days. The stories and Baha'i Writings that go along with the pictures are worth looking at. It looks like the two photographers of that day shoot a sunrise and a sunset picture and put the thoughts they have about the fast. It's so cool to see photographers express themselves in their photography, you really get a glimpse in to that person's mind, and with the fast happening they seem to be more of an open book. It's worth a look.

It doesn't stop there. A musician friend of mine who has had a bit of writer's block recently has a song under the works that I can't stop listening too. You'll have to wait for that as I am not sure how it will be rolled out. It is really inspiring meas photographer to really think about my composition and why I am taking the picture.

I'm still hungry but I like how I focused on learning my craft and becoming better at what I do. It stops me thinking about how many hours left in the day and how many days left in the fast. Once I start that kind of downward thinking it get's pretty hard to think about anything else. So here's to inspiration and looking at life differently.

Here's my picture:

I like the shallow depth of field in this image, and I like that you can just see a street light behind the branches. There are few other reasons that I like this images too, but they are hiding in my subconscious somewhere. If I find them I will let you know.

That's it for today.

March 10th - Day 9

2010-03-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

Now that I am letting my coworkers know that I am fasting people are starting to ask me questions about the Baha'i Faith and some of the history. Usually I try to avoid the topic of the fast. It's funny but I am a Baha'i and I am very proud of that so why wouldn't I be more vocal about the 19 day fast and the core principals of the Faith? Baha'u'llah says, "Let deeds not words be your adorning." (see #5 which starts with "O Son of Dust") So why wouldn't I tell people proudly of what I am doing? It means something I think for a person to have something they believe so strongly in that they will forgo food over the course of the day. Is it because I am embarrassed about some of the questions that people ask me? Is it because I don't believe in the laws and ordinances of the Faith or is it because if I tell people that I am fasting and then I become "sick" and decide to break the fast then it would mean I am not following those teachings. Maybe it's a little bit of all of those but I have really thought about it and it really seems to come down to personal discipline and me hoping that there is a chance that I might be able to eat food.

This is an exciting revelation for me, I am being honest with myself (about this at least) and that is a first step to changing one's life or character. I can readily admit that it is very hard for me to change who I am and my personality, it's almost like my personality is my habit, which is a hard thing to break.

I think it's important to point out that this is my personal understanding of who I am and other individuals have their own individual tests and challenges and relationship with religion or God or whatever you would like to label it as. It is not my job or desire to make judgment of other people. They have their own battles.

So I have pretty much every day informed people of my belief and what I am doing for these 19 days. It has forced me out of my shell and I have been greeted with curiosity and inquisitive minds. Go figure.

Here's my image:

I have always liked high contrast images and back in the film days I would always shoot black and white, I would really look at things as they would look in black and white and that hasn't changed all that much. This was a shot of a ladder on the side of the store I work at, the sun was high and bright in the sky and I liked how the shadows hit the walls of the building. After about 40 shots I found I liked this the best. A little bit of tweaking and I found an exposure liked. And that's that.

That's all for today.

March 9th - Day 8

2010-03-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

The fast is really an interesting time. I find myself thinking about stuff that I have been trying to avoid. My father-in-law's passing for one and recently thoughts about my relationship with my father. Our relationship has been pretty rocky the more I think about it, but not in the way a normal rocky relationship would seem to be. Him and I both are pretty quiet about any kind of open discussion we might have, especially if it is something on a more serious level. Maybe neither of us wants to face the issue I am not sure but it sure can be a challenge. I might add that I love my father very much and this is not a forum for me to bash him or make him out as the bad guy. It is just thoughts that have been rolling around my head for the last day or so.

About 9 years ago we had a huge falling out and I pretty much closed off communication with my dad except for little talks here and there, (the reason is irrelevant I think as bad communication on both sides can really mess things up) but in the last year that communication has been opening up more. Last winter I had a thoracotomy where a portion of my lung was removed. The reason for the removal is not as important as the realization that life is indeed short and I was spending it being angry and aloof and that seemed to be a ridiculous reason to not keep in touch.

Please know that this is how I feel about my situation, there are many other reasons a person might not want to keep in touch with people in general, but for me and my falling out with my father the reasons did not fit. We have spoken on the phone more often and with Skype and it has been a strange relief to let go of my negative thoughts. It was actually my older sister, who I love dearly and who I have also become quite close to, she had patched things up with our father and it inspired me to do better.

People deal with anger in many different ways, but with me it's very internal and I find that it eats me up inside. It is like a cancer that takes out your core and leaves you with an empty shell. Well, at this point I am finding myself holding on to that anger less and focusing on other more important issues, and happiness too. This is a constant battle for me, internalizing my thoughts wont go away but I am aware of what it does to me and that will be a good deterrent.

So I love my father and I think tomorrow I will give him a call and see how the fast is treating him. He always looks at the fast with excitement and I could never quite understand that idea. But it's nice to keep in touch and that's cool by me.

Here's my picture:

You might have asked yourself what these people who fast might eat and I thought you would like to see the dinner I prepared for myself today. Two cucumber and spinach sandwiches with fruits and mango apple sauce. Nice. What I have noticed from this fast is that whole grains and yogurt seem to really sustain me throughout the day. Probably nuts and dried fruit would help to (that's only my experience, if you want proper advice see a nutritionist) and I really really enjoy having fruits after my dinner, at least I did today. Yesterday I really really enjoyed having Mexican beef soft tacos for dinner. Good stuff.

That's all for today.

March 8th - Day 7

2010-03-08T21:46:00.000-08:00

15 minutes is not enough (see yesterday's post). I need at least 30 minutes to make my breakfast and sit down and have a cup of coffee and hydrate for the day. I made it before sunrise but it was a mad dash of peanut butter and jelly and chugging down juice, water and some coffee. I might as well have mixed the drinks together that was how close I drank each one. Maybe put it all in a blender and call it a day.

But today went really well. I mean, yes, I was hungry and my stomach growled a bit at the 4 PM mark but I made it through and my head was in a good state. One small side effect I have noticed though, and anyone who has done a fast like this will agree, the breath is starting to smell pretty fresh as the day progresses. Tomorrow I am going to invest in a traveler's bottle of mouthwash. I only do this out of respect of my coworkers and customers I deal with. That or I can watch people pass out as they greet me.

Here's my picture:

This is actually a test shot a night to see how the lights in the town I was in would look with the shutter open for a few seconds. I think 2-4 seconds. I was going to take pictures while driving my car - to do that I actually had the camera set up in a secure position and I used a shutter release so I could concentrate on my driving, safety first - and I just wanted to make sure with the above image that I had some good settings. Turns out I didn't really like any of the pictures I took as much as this one. I love the colors and the night together. Yesterday felt a little like this to me, although I do feel happy with this image, the jangle of thoughts that I had yesterday was similar.

That's it for today.

March 7th - Day 6

2010-03-07T22:19:00.000-08:00

Today was brutal. A very tough day of fasting for me. I think it started with me going back to sleep when my morning alarm woke me up and then waking up 10 minutes before the sunrise at 6:52 AM and scrambling to get something to eat. I'm pretty sure I went over by a minute or two. So it was a slightly frantic and disorganized morning breakfast.

I was awake though so, I decided the best thing for me to do would be to go back to sleep. Man oh man it was good to go back to that nice warm comfy bed, but waking up was a completely different story. I had an extremely hard time getting up at 9 AM. I was very lethargic and low energy, it felt like there was a fog in my brain and and there was no wind to blow it away. I have done this before during other fast months and it had the same exact effect. It is not a good feeling and it has got to be something with going to bed on a full stomach and laying down. So I don't think I will do this again, it gave me a headache later in the afternoon and because I didn't really have a good morning meal I was very hungry and tired. Luckily today at work I was responsible to do a lot of self paced trainee reading. It made the afternoon go by easier.

You might wonder why I would continue observing the fast considering my headache and hunger and believe me I thought about it too, but holding me back from breaking the fast was the thought that in two hours I would be able to eat and drink and if I just dealt with this minor -and believe me this really is minor discomfort- I would probably feel better about the day. Kind of like a really good hard workout where you feel tired but rewarded at the end of the session. So I held on strong and completed my observance of the fast for today. It was a good feeling and I go to bed with a good lesson learned; tomorrow morning I am not going back to bed and I will wake up with enough time for a good solid breakfast. Like 15 minutes instead of ten.

So I have my picture for today:

It's actually the reflection of two lamps in a window at work facing the street. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this picture. It's possible it could have been shot better but I know that I have always loved reflections in windows and always wanted to capture that in some way, maybe a good beginning to a series. So there it is. Enjoy.

That's all I got for now.

March 6th - Day 5

2010-03-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

The sun is still up and I am still observing today's fast but there seemed no point to wait on this one. This morning on my way to the fundraiser I was shooting I started thinking about my father-in-law, who passed away recently, and his impact on my life. I couldn't help but start to think about his funeral and the days after that. I started to get pretty sad and choked up about it, and like any responsible male out there I bottled it all up before it could get out of hand. That's just the way it is with me sometimes, seriously when I start to cry though, it's on!

My father-in-law's funeral had a big impact on me. There was a large church in Drumheller, Alberta where we held the memorial service and the place was packed to almost overflowing. Peter was a local businessman so naturally there is going to be some community recognition, but in his case it was more so. He had a very strong commitment to people and being inclusive and considerate of them and it was something to listen to people come up one after another and tell stories of his sincerity, and kindness. People of all colors and nationalities had something good to say about his life. He was also kind and loving to all animals. My dogs saw him only a couple of times a year and they liked him better than me! He had a way with people and that carried forward in to his care for animals.

The next day we went out to spread his ashes, as he wished it, in a canyon close to where his wife Arlene grew up. As I remember it the sun was out and it was a fairly nice day. We went down a path a little ways and said a few prayers in his name and spread out his ashes on the rocks. Right after this a very strong and cold wind came up from the north and you could see a wall of clouds coming in. We had to make our way back to Drumheller quickly and came home to the power being out, it was out all over town. It was an emotional day and the weather only increased that feeling of sadness. I wont soon forget it.

Today as I was pulling in to the fund raiser location I noticed a beautiful church and thought I might take a picture of it. Here it is:

Peter - and now his son- liked taking pictures of churches and it's nice to be able to do the same. Incidentally, this happens to be the location of the first wedding I took pictures at, which I only realized as I started taking pictures. I was a nervous wreck at that wedding and shot about 1000 images just at the ceremony. Talk about a lot of images to process.

That's it for today.

March 5th - Day 4

2010-03-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

I don't have too much to say today. I am tired but feeling good about the past few days. I have been more open with coworkers about my fast and people have been respectful of what I am doing. Indeed, they are asking questions about the fast and what it means to be a Baha'i. I think every Baha'i I know has a different reason for why they became a Baha'i and so it was for me too. So I try to explain some of the core beliefs of the Faith and make sure to stay within what I have read of Baha'u'llah's writings and not from a limited interpretation. There is more on the link if you are interested, I will for now leave it at that and continue with my blog.

I have also found out from a friend about a project called Nineteen Days and it is very similar to what I am doing although they started doing this last year. They have selected photographers taking a picture a day during the fast and have accompanied the images with Baha'i writings. It's pretty awesome and the pictures are pretty amazing! It's worth checking out.

So here's my picture for today:

It's actually a negative in front of the sun from an old Polaroid land camera that my father-in-law gave me some time back. You might have to download the larger image file to have a closer look, but it is a chair on the back deck of a friend's house that my wife and I stayed at for a while. I really like this picture but I'm not sure why. Isn't that funny?

That's all I have for today.

March 4th - Day 3

2010-03-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

4:15 AM. The alarm clock on my phone and my iPod both go off. Time to start the day and head over to Starbucks for my opening shift at 5:30 AM. It was kind of cool being at work so early because I was still able to eat and drink before the sunrise time of 7:13AM. So that was cool, the day went well. I did had a few moments of drool when I saw a velvety chocolate muffin being eaten, but I found a way to focus on my work and try and detach myself a little bit from the food in my face, plus I didn't think the open mouthed drooling as people ate would be appropriate. Call me old fashioned. The mind is very powerful and can focus on certain things if you really try, and it worked.

4 PM. At home I sit down to do some finishing touches to a DVD for a wedding customer and the Lightscribe DVD burner craps out on me on the last DVD. This is when I should have paused and taken account of what was happening and stopped what I was doing until I was more fresh from after my break fast dinner. Sunset was around 6:12 PM. Instead I tried to fix the problem that wasn't fixable and I just about lost it. My wife could hear me muttering some not so kind words to my computer. Why blame the computer though, really, it had nothing to do with the DVD burner going kaput. Looking back, and it's always easier to look back , if I had taken the time to pause and catch a breather I would have realized how tired I was and taken a small break. After all, getting up at 4AM on a normal day is hard enough.

So here's my picture:

It's actually two glass bricks as they meat together with the light from outside shining through. It was at this beautiful building that I am going to be shooting a fundraiser for. There will be CFL players and the Grey Cup and there will be many photo ops. For those of you in the States, CFL is Canadian Football League and the Grey Cup is the Canadian version of the Superbowl Trophy. Any other information about it would have to be found at the Grey Cup Website as I know nothing else about it.
Either way it sounds fun and I just love how this picture turned out. Again, I took a few shots until I found the framing I liked the best.
That's it for today.

March 3rd - Day 2

2010-03-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

I was very nervous about today. Going to work at Starbucks, which has been very physically challenging I was surprised to find, was a worry. Coffee, pastries, frappacinos, more coffee, I love to partake in all of these things. They rock! So I had some fear going in there but I found that my focus was on learning the job as I have only been there two and a half weeks now.

Things went well until I was being certified as a "Barista". My boss told me to taste the awesome Caramel Macchiato that I had just made and without even thinking about it I took a good ol' swig of the Macchiato. Let me tell you, it was awesome! Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't eaten anything in a while, but it tasted great. I just had a small taste and then we had to move on to the next drink. 10 minutes later I had realized my mistake. I am not worried about it, but it is good to remember what I am trying to do, and that is why I mention it.

I want to let you know that I am not writing this as a confession blog or anything as there is no confession in the Baha'i Faith, but to just use it as a tool for me to try and follow the fast as it is one of my biggest challenges every year.

I also realized that if I had let my trainer and other staff know that I was fasting then I wouldn't have forgotten and she wouldn't have asked me to have a taste. It's also a great way to talk about the fast and what it means to me and the Baha'is too.

So here's my picture:

When I got home my kids wanted me to spin them around and around with one of our chairs. I love my kids very much and for anyone who has kids of their own, adopted or natural birth, or a loved one who means something to them in one way or another, you will know when I say that I would do anything for my girls.

There was a bit of excitement in the air and we had some fun spinning around and around and around. After and few test shots I got the shot I needed. The lighting is pretty rough and it is a bit underexposed, but I think you get the idea. It was fun.
That's all I have for today.

March 2nd - Day 1

2010-03-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

Day one of the Baha'i fast has ended. I went through the day with only one small glitch at the end, I was helping my wife cook some noodles and I inadvertently tried one of the noodles to see if it was fresh. Completely innocent and there's not much I can do to change it except for accept it as a small mistake.

Here's my picture:

I was in town with my daughters this morning and they saw the local bakery which makes some pretty decent cookies and bear claws (which is what my oldest is biting in to), you can smell the place a block away for crying out loud. I found myself living vicariously through my daughters today. Even their Kraft Dinner looked good at lunch.

That is all I have for now.